How To: Meet A Celebrity

We like celebrities. We do. But we don't know how to treat them right.

People do very strange things when they meet celebrities. It doesn't matter who the person is, or who the celebrity is. Almost universally, "fans" (conceptual or otherwise) act different around the famous. There are three basic responses.

A: The Scathing Amateur Critic
Some people, whether they dislike the actor, they don't know how to be nice, or (more likely) because they want to feel superior choose to debase the actor. These proud few insult the actor's choices in films, demean his talents as a performing artist, insinuate that his parents were never married, and suggest that a dog, a pile of feces, or (on the same level) even they could act better than the actor.

B: The "HeyYou'reLikeMe(BeMyFriendPleaseSoThenICanTellPeopleIKnowYou[AndCanValidateMyOwnSelf{WorthByPretendingToRespectYours)]}" Coolheaded Patron of the Arts
This person may or may not like the actor whom he meets, but will nonetheless instantly become self-assured and sympathetic upon meeting the celebrity. He'll say things like, "Hey man, I like your work," or "What's up?" or even offer a simple "Yo's." This fan's actions intone that he sees the celebrity as a real person, not just as a Hollywood prop. But what this guy really wants is to be invited to the next big Hollywood shindig. He replaces one type of objectification (namely, seeing an actor as a prop) for another (that is, seeing the actor as a golden ticket).

He almost never gets his wish.

C: The Choir
I call the third group the choir for two reasons: (1) they are the majority of the fan base, and (2) they can't stop praising the actor. They often scream, say things like "I can't believe it's [THAT CELEBRITY I LOVE]," or "SIGN MY BREASTS!" As you can guess, they're more often female than male. I don't know why this is. It's probably because guys think they win points by "being cool."

By the way, they don't.

Real Life
So the other day, when I met Johnny Knoxville, I saw this principle in action.

The scene: my coworkers and I are in a box truck on the Paramount Studios lot. We are waiting to set expensive drape for a camera show, wherein a popular company will peddle their wares to the cinematography departments at Paramount. We are waiting to receive our security badges while a drug dog sniffs our equipment (I guess they don't have one of those at the celebrity parking lots… ZING).

I see a man wearing a button-down Budweiser shirt. I note his spiky hair, lanky build, and aviator sunglasses. I ask a coworker… "Is that Johnny Knoxville?"

My coworker says, "Holy shit… that is Johnny Knoxville!"

He proceeds to go C on Johnny. He yells "Johnny! JOHNNY! YO JOHNNY! I LOVE YOU MAN!"

Johnny waves and smiles politely.

The other worker in the truck leans out the window and says, "What's up John-eeee!" pretending to be familiar with the guy. We see B in action here.

I feel compelled to do something. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Johnny's Knoxville's work, but I'm not the kind of guy to go depreciating the actor for what he does. After all, he's taken softballs to the groin from pro pitchers before. I mean, that takes some kind of talent.

So A is out of the options for me. B would be a lie (I don't know him, and I know I'm not cool), and C just demeans us all. So I go for the secret option:

D: The Tautologizer
Tautologizers do exactly what they sound like: they state an obvious truth as if it were a point in question.

I say (in my most sympathetic and reassuring voice): "Johnny! Hey! You have fans Johnny! Fans!"

This, by a surprising stroke of fortune, makes Johnny laugh and walk over to our box truck and give us all the knuckle. "Hey guys," he says, "thanks for supporting me."

After that, I act B on the outside, but I am all C on the inside.

[I love you JOHNNY!]
-brian